Chicken Boned

About two weeks ago we had a patient who came in but was displeased with the amount of people in the lobby. He decided to go wait in his car. He never checked in with the front desk and never filled out his new patient paperwork. We knew he was out there because he harassed everyone that walked by his car. Around 1:00 the suspense was killing him and he stumbled into the office screaming he had to pee. Yes, all my good stories start out about a patient griping about using the restroom.

Another patient helped this man into the door and he had all of his weight on her. I thought he was dying but she told me he had to go and he had to go now. Awesome. I ask him politely what was wrong and he looks at me and says,

"you should know you should have my records."

Me: "But I don't even know your name you aren't even a patient here"

"They sent my records you should know read them, I have to go to the bathroom"

Ok.. So After one step I realize this man can barely walk. I'm a psychology major and abnormal psych is still fresh in my head and all I could compare what I saw was to those involuntary movements schizophrenic patients exhibit. I'm not diagnosing him but this is what I saw on all the youtube videos we played in class.... He was dragging one leg and gripping the wall and then gripping me. He kept complaining about the government how they're bringing us down and I have barely made it 20 feet before I realized I needed to switch the subject or else I wasn't going to make it to the bathroom. I tell him,

"wow those sure are some nice shoes!"
At the rate he was going, dragging his feet those shoes would have been worn out in three days, but they were brand new.

"They're older than you, and I can't even take them off"

"oh that's real nice"

I really have nothing left to say so I just ramble on because he's rambling on, and were both just having this great time you know, me supporting his body weight and the other girls in the office just pretending he's not there. Why didn't I get him a wheel chair? Well he insisted I HELP HIM. Ok so I did. One girl in the back asked him if she could help him as well. He got mad. He only wanted me to touch him no one else. Great, just great I made a new boyfriend and I don't even know his name.. But I should, that's what he told me.

We get to the restroom and he grabs the sink and then starts to fall into a split like he can't control his legs. He screams
"help me up help me up I have to pee. I can't find it I can't find it"

What in the Lords name. This man is doing a split on the floor and telling me he can't find it. So I help him up and I tell him to sit on the toilet. He says he can't and he needs to pee and he points to his crotch.

"I can't find it you need to find it"

This man just asked me to find his penis. So that he could pee on the floor, or me, or both. I told him I'm going to give him some privacy and I shut the door. I told my boss who with all his wisdom goes back to the bathroom and opens the door while this man is sitting on the toilet mid pee. I thought he couldn't sit down... My boss asks him why he was trying to have my touch his you know. The man has no response. Afterwards he walked out of the office completely fine and waited in his car until the patients were gone...

The end of the day was great because two representatives from an insurance company (I won't mention any names) came in for a surprise visit! YES. AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND WAS STILL OUTSIDE. He conveniently decided to walk in just as they were making their tour. He reluctantly filled out his paperwork and we brought him into the room. He then went on to tell me he lived out of his car and he had 72 hours worth of urine in the car. I asked him if he had any MRI reports he said he had a whole trunk full of film from these scheming doctors. Anyway I couldn't get out of him what his pain was so I waited for the doctor.

My boss walks in and evaluates him and asks him why he is walking the way he was. He tells us,

"They told me its in my head but it aint, I chickenboned myself 20 years ago"

Chickenboned. The act of which you pull the leg off of a chicken and it snaps. He was chickenboned by someone who probably worked for a government agency. A secret one.

He then proceeded to pull his pants up to reveal his groin and then a little further to show his whole package. He looks at me and goes "you've seen this before right?"

No sir, I have not....

Well he was given maybe an anti-inflammatory and sent on his way. He's studying this prescription hard and as always I'm mentally preparing myself for the throw down. Why didn't I get Roxies why didn't I get the blue ones. Well he looks up and asks,

"These aren't psycho meds right? I don't take those psycho meds, those things aren't right."

Rest assured, these are not psycho meds.
As he left the office I ran up the stairs to our attic. I was not going to be the one to check him out.