Maybe they weren't gifts

The patient that came to our office in a frenzy on friday afternoon returned today to use our phone. He doesn't own a phone so he figured he drop by and use ours. He needed to call the lost and found because apparently on friday he lost a watch. I didn't want to tell him yet that he actually gave the watch away to the doctor as a present on friday (if he even remembers coming in)....

Someone put cocaine in my food on two separate occasions

On friday a patient came in who for the second time was positive for cocaine. I wasn't in the exam room but I heard every bit of the conversation because she was screaming. She couldn't figure out why she was positive for cocaine again but she needed medication.
"SOMEONE PUT IT IN MY FOOD"
"YOU'RE LYING"
"YOU DON"T CARE ABOUT MY SITUATION"
"ITS JUST COCAINE"

She was scaring everyone so I opened the door to make sure she wasn't murdering the doctor and she gave me the scariest glare I've ever seen. The only other time I've seen this look on someones face was when we walked in on a woman doing heroin in a gas station bathroom.

What am I doing with my life.

Disregard your appointment time as long as you're bearing gifts

On fridays we stop seeing patients around 1 so that we can watch netflix and basically do nothing. Around 345 we started closing up and one of our older patients ran through the front door and brought in a bunch of groceries. He was franticly speaking gibberish and this isn't an uncommon theme we see throughout the day but it was odd to see someone come in so late. He then parked his bike in our waiting room and brought in more sodas, presents and a card. The whole time he was profusely sweating and speaking really fast. The doctor was sitting up front with us while this was happening. The man then threw the gift down at him and pulled out a pocket knife. He threw the pocket knife on the counter and told him to use it to open the gift. I admit I was scared at this point. I've seen enough episodes of cops to know he was on something that probably starts with the letter M and ends in -eth. To diffuse the situation we put him in an exam room. I hid the knife in the drawer. We ended up seeing him and today was his lucky day because we gave him a random urine test. When I was bringing him to the bathroom he went on to speaking gibberish and told me there was water running in the streets. Alright then...
Right before he pulled out a scraper for paint and told us he found it on the street. Then as he was getting his bike out of our lobby my boss was like "hey you forgot this" obnoxiously... He came back in to get his tool and left.
I guess it was okay aside from the mini panic attack that I had. He brought us soda, food and a watch. We kept the unopened foods because apparently someone saw him dropping the sandwiches by the dumpster about thirty minutes prior to him coming in..

Same story, different patient

I'd say about theres a 1 in 2 chance the patient standing in front of me will approach our conversation with hostility. An older gentleman walks in today and shoves his hand through the window and extends to us his medicare and medicaid cards. The two golden tickets. Now we must bow down. Paperwork was given and he sits down.

Only five minutes later the man jumps up to the window, extremely agitated and asks "when will I be seen". Literally five minutes after taking his paperwork, that he didn't even touch. The girl at the front replied it could be up to an hour depending on how quick you fill out the paper work.

He screams " WOULD THE DOCTOR WAIT AN HOUR FOR ME???"

He runs out of the office without his insurance cards and he took our clipboard. Looks like his visit was cut short but just to reassure us that he was not going to be coming back to our office he returned to retrieve his collateral and tell us he "WAS NOT COMING BACK".

Well at least he was short and to the point. I rather not have someone with such a short fuse hanging around long enough to find out he won't be getting the medication he hoped for.

Chicken Boned

About two weeks ago we had a patient who came in but was displeased with the amount of people in the lobby. He decided to go wait in his car. He never checked in with the front desk and never filled out his new patient paperwork. We knew he was out there because he harassed everyone that walked by his car. Around 1:00 the suspense was killing him and he stumbled into the office screaming he had to pee. Yes, all my good stories start out about a patient griping about using the restroom.

Another patient helped this man into the door and he had all of his weight on her. I thought he was dying but she told me he had to go and he had to go now. Awesome. I ask him politely what was wrong and he looks at me and says,

"you should know you should have my records."

Me: "But I don't even know your name you aren't even a patient here"

"They sent my records you should know read them, I have to go to the bathroom"

Ok.. So After one step I realize this man can barely walk. I'm a psychology major and abnormal psych is still fresh in my head and all I could compare what I saw was to those involuntary movements schizophrenic patients exhibit. I'm not diagnosing him but this is what I saw on all the youtube videos we played in class.... He was dragging one leg and gripping the wall and then gripping me. He kept complaining about the government how they're bringing us down and I have barely made it 20 feet before I realized I needed to switch the subject or else I wasn't going to make it to the bathroom. I tell him,

"wow those sure are some nice shoes!"
At the rate he was going, dragging his feet those shoes would have been worn out in three days, but they were brand new.

"They're older than you, and I can't even take them off"

"oh that's real nice"

I really have nothing left to say so I just ramble on because he's rambling on, and were both just having this great time you know, me supporting his body weight and the other girls in the office just pretending he's not there. Why didn't I get him a wheel chair? Well he insisted I HELP HIM. Ok so I did. One girl in the back asked him if she could help him as well. He got mad. He only wanted me to touch him no one else. Great, just great I made a new boyfriend and I don't even know his name.. But I should, that's what he told me.

We get to the restroom and he grabs the sink and then starts to fall into a split like he can't control his legs. He screams
"help me up help me up I have to pee. I can't find it I can't find it"

What in the Lords name. This man is doing a split on the floor and telling me he can't find it. So I help him up and I tell him to sit on the toilet. He says he can't and he needs to pee and he points to his crotch.

"I can't find it you need to find it"

This man just asked me to find his penis. So that he could pee on the floor, or me, or both. I told him I'm going to give him some privacy and I shut the door. I told my boss who with all his wisdom goes back to the bathroom and opens the door while this man is sitting on the toilet mid pee. I thought he couldn't sit down... My boss asks him why he was trying to have my touch his you know. The man has no response. Afterwards he walked out of the office completely fine and waited in his car until the patients were gone...

The end of the day was great because two representatives from an insurance company (I won't mention any names) came in for a surprise visit! YES. AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND WAS STILL OUTSIDE. He conveniently decided to walk in just as they were making their tour. He reluctantly filled out his paperwork and we brought him into the room. He then went on to tell me he lived out of his car and he had 72 hours worth of urine in the car. I asked him if he had any MRI reports he said he had a whole trunk full of film from these scheming doctors. Anyway I couldn't get out of him what his pain was so I waited for the doctor.

My boss walks in and evaluates him and asks him why he is walking the way he was. He tells us,

"They told me its in my head but it aint, I chickenboned myself 20 years ago"

Chickenboned. The act of which you pull the leg off of a chicken and it snaps. He was chickenboned by someone who probably worked for a government agency. A secret one.

He then proceeded to pull his pants up to reveal his groin and then a little further to show his whole package. He looks at me and goes "you've seen this before right?"

No sir, I have not....

Well he was given maybe an anti-inflammatory and sent on his way. He's studying this prescription hard and as always I'm mentally preparing myself for the throw down. Why didn't I get Roxies why didn't I get the blue ones. Well he looks up and asks,

"These aren't psycho meds right? I don't take those psycho meds, those things aren't right."

Rest assured, these are not psycho meds.
As he left the office I ran up the stairs to our attic. I was not going to be the one to check him out.

I just got off the phone with my grandfather. He did a couple of blood test and they're going to test him for cancer - as he tells me something that starts with a M, associated with high calcium and protein in the blood. His doctor already started to lecture him on radiation, etc. He's 78. Really instead of us being in shock, we just complained about how these doctors were going to work him up for all his medicare replacement plan was worth. That's why I love him.

Anyway he said if he starts to ache (being in pain is for the weak), he'll just come visit me at work.

I think for now were just going to limit his diet, no more milk and protein shakes Pops!

Great Lengths

It has been relatively calm in the office this week. When the patients aren't acting up, us staff members take it upon ourselves to really get things churned up amongst each other. Joking.. Sort of. I guess were going a little stir crazy, it's been TOO calm.

Anyway, a new patient arrived along with her CNA. Now I've always been skeptical of people bringing along others to their pain management visits. It just makes me feel uncomfortable for the patient. Relative or not, the company at hand likes to have an input on the patients medication regime and their plan of care. Well this woman comes up, half awake (never a good sign) to the window, in her wheel chair. The CNA stands impatiently by the window. She hands over an envelope of medical records to me. I proceed to ask her for the patients photo ID and insurance card and she gives me a blank stare.

"This is all tha facility gave me" she says.

Now if this were any other type of office maybe we would let it slide. I'm not sure how other doctor's offices of different specialties handle a patient that cannot take care of herself and did not bring in a photo ID - but in pain management I'm going to assume you are not the person you are claiming to be. I don't think I've ever come across this type of impersonation yet, but I wouldn't put it past anyone that claims to be void of their photo ID or any form of identification. Sometimes we have the best actors and actresses stroll through our office and they are nothing short of Hollywood worthy. People will go to great lengths to get pills. I mean they come in with their best limps, best groans and then I have to take a double look at them when I see them sprinting around in public.


Luckily, the CNA agreed with me and took the woman back to her facility. She said she would return with identification. I was already geared up for the argument about how the patient needed her Roxys. Bless that woman's heart, I didn't have a panic attack that day.